oh indecisive me,

I am the most confusing person I think I have ever met.

Sorry if I have ever been unreasonable, afraid or confusing.

Some, ok... most days,
I can't even figure out what I want relationship-wise, because I don't know, and if I think I do, I will normally counteract that with my self-doubt and over analytical tendencies.

When i was a freshman in college, i thought God was calling me to live a life to Him and Him alone. I no longer think that is true....but I also don't know God's plan in that avenue of my life either.

This is me... in a certain nutshell of quasi relationships i went through:





"I like you but I don't want you to feel the same way for me.
and I don't want you to see me for the flawed image that i am."

"You may genuinely like me, so I obviously can't return the favor...that would mean facing my fears."

"Someone else adores you, maybe I do too? is it envy or is this genuine?"

"You are interested in someone else, I am interested in you...I am. I see it now. Clear."

"You like me? Well too bad. I found a reason it wont work...some ridiculous petty reason."

"it took too long to trust you, it was too late"

"I think you're great, you may be genuinely interested in me, but I have wandering eyes and i am scared that the "right one" will come and I'll miss him."

"you make me laugh, you complement me, you do not believe what i believe."


"I fell for you, but you didn't think you were good enough."



I'm shy.
I'm very inexperienced with commitment

I live in Utah.

I am a fearful girl in this area.
and I need to work on that.




How do you know when to jump?

Clearing the air...the very cold air

brrr
it's freezing outside

I'm sitting in my bedroom and i just decided that I like the right side
of my bedroom better than my left...hmmmm..



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i just got distracted but it's okay cause I was being too self-involved anyway

and, I just bought soul-cravings and started reading the first few pages...and it's good enough that I must stop writing..

oh and did you know there is a certain phenomenon that says we lose 21 grams (unaccounted for) when we die? the weight of human life?

People

Lord,
I want true community
i am so sick of these superficial things that are supposed to glorify you, when they instead glorify ourselves..




when will the real water wash us
when can we stand together
one.
united in hope and love

when can the tears be joy and
the trials be strength

when can our words calm
our hands hold and our love heal

Lord when will the hope rise like the tide
and remain like the ground beneath us

oh father when can we be willing
when can we loosen our grip on OUR dreams
so we can see your dreams

you are better than wine
sweeter than the voice of any other
and there is no love like your love